unveiled

i'm utterly disgusted by the person i am hidden at heart..disgusted. i'm thankful for this break in many ways for God has shown me my sin. He knows who and how i truly am behind the many layers i wear. selfish, prideful, envious, angry. Lord. please help me to cast down my idols.

even the things that are in front of me to pray for become hard to pray for because of the motives and intentions of my heart are not for God but for my own selfish desires. Lord, have all of me. purify this sinner's dirty heart and cleanse me of all these sins so that i may worship You freely without any chains. God. my heart aches for the day that i could worship you with a sinless heart, a heart that longs for heaven.

may the eyes of my spirit see only You, long for only You. let me no longer sit in sin but to repent, take heart, be obediently transformed by Your wonderful grace and mercy. Lord, i love You. Have Your way in me.

And we all, with unveiled face, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
--2 Corinthians 3:18

shipwrecked

it's days like these and times like this that i really just want to dorm or live in an apartment..away from the static of my parents' loud and articulate verbal influence. don't get me wrong. i love them dearly and i know they mean well, but it just gets tiring when they're so relentless and redundant. especially my mom. i shared with my small group that i wanted to stay faithful to the conviction of living at home to be a better servant to my family, but the way i am now, i'm just a slug. it needs to start with the little things. like being diligent with walking my dog so they don't have to. or giving my brother a shower. or just being home more. i need to stop being lazy and feeding my own selfish heart. but the bottom line is, i want to dorm! but in the end i know i'm being selfish. well i unno if its selfish or just my human nature to want to experience college (no not the sex, drinking, drugs, parties crap) but that whole 'community' experience and just being more independent. i wanna become closer with the new friends i've made and i wanna be able to wake up later instead of getting up 2 hours earlier cuz of commuting and always worrying about how i'm gonna get home. God has definitely provided with micah tho. so no complaints there. so is that a sign that He wants me to commute? or is He also showing me other things..so many other things to keep in mind.

and i guess to be honest with myself, it's the whole staying faithful to one home church issue. FABC is where i feel called to right now and this whole double duty thing never felt right with me to begin with no matter how many times i tried to justify it, i wasn't going to mass anymore for God, but rather to please my parents or out of just plain guilt. those aren't pure motives and it's a battle that i don't know if i'm suppose to keep fighting and enduring through, if i'm just being stubborn or what. i just don't know. but what i do know is that it can't keep going on.

now that i can drive and don't have to depend on people for rides anymore, it's been kinda hard to take initiative and just go. i never really told anyone this, but it's a mini-battle in my mind that always goes on. before events i think, 'i don't need to go or no one will notice if i don't come' but then there's that spiritual component of spiritual battle. i know that's how people start to fall away. .. gotta fight every moment to stay faithful

with a month of break ahead of me, i know it will be a fight for sure. i'm so lazy that there's days i go without praying. prayerlessness is definitely an issue in my heart. along with pride and other sins. i can't do it on my own. i wasn't made to do it on my own.

the process of prayer. the perspiration of prayer. how can i say i want something badly enough if i won't even get down on my knees and pray.

God. i am just a shipwreck here on your shore. i come undeserving and empty handed ready to be changed and transformed by your grace and mercy. thank you for loving a sinner with a dirty heart like me.

Lamentations 3:23

wise ducklings

during Church fellowship lunch, caught up with some yg girls. cheehee ;) i'm really dumb when it comes to myself and boys. or maybe just really immature. well whatever the case, i poured my heart out to two old friends (seniors of course, can't go around influencing the youngin's haha) and i guess they just articulated what i was unconsciously denying.

imposing expectations. unconsciously, i'd been hippocritcally imposing expectations on him. specifically him, because i like him. this whole week not call/texting him, i already knew he wouldn't, but i also knew that's cuz thats the way he is. reserved. yet a really good friend who will be there when he can. i can easily see what's wrong and give straightforward insight about this kinda thing to other people, but when it comes to myself, i'm a complete idiot. oh well. we weren't meant to run this race on our on. i'm thankful for partners in the Gospel. sisters in the Gospel. twelve years. i've known nelsh for twelve years. her and maudes are growing up to be young beautiful and wise ladies. they're going from baby ducklings to wise women of God.

Baptism Sunday left me refreshed, renewed. especially the first testimony. brief but blessing. the Holy Spirit literally burst from her soul and gently splashed me with its cold watery nature like a breath of fresh air. i've already been confirmed. but should i get baptised? i kinda want to, but at the same time, i'm still scared my parents won't let me. it shouldn't be up to them. i'm 18. but we'll see where God takes this thought. ..

i started this post in my room. now i'm sitting in the skokie public library. sitting here always brings back good memories from high school. i really miss my friends. maybe i've been struggling with the whole 'about a boy' thing cuz i'm just sick of always feeling like it's only me who's taking initiative in maintaining a friendship by keeping in touch here and there. i mean, that's totally not true. i certainly have friends that always call me and i sometimes forget to respond. maybe its a taste of my own medicine. that's why i'm trying to be more diligent with the upkeep of my relationships. but its just sometimes discouraging and a bit hurtful when it feels like the people you reach out to aren't willing to or are just not willing to meet you half way. it's also kinda rebuke to how i was in high school. a hermit who was really selfish with my own time, locked in my room watching anime and asian dramas instead of hanging out with friends more. but instead of regretting, i'm learning. i want college to be different in this aspect. i'll work harder in not falling off the face of the earth and being more selfless with the time He's given me.

from jay john's message during the last large group;
high potency + close proximity = maximum impact

this has convicted me to be diligent with all my relationships.

as always, all the glory to You God.

an old hymn

Come, thou Fount of every blessing,
tune my heart to sing thy grace; streams of mercy,
never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet, sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, mount of thy redeeming love.

Here I raise mine Ebenezer; hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger, interposed his precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

God, that's the cry of my heart.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." -Matthew 6:33

about a boy

this is by far probably the dumbest blog i will every write, yet i'm gonna blog it nonetheless cuz my hand will cramp if i try to handwrite all the rambunctious thoughts running endlessly through my mind. it's the 10th week of the 1st semester at UIC. fresh outta CFC revival and Servants Fall Retreat. Two blessing events in a row. How blessed am i or what?! i'm incredibly thankful for all the people who've been investing in me up until now, and especially the people who've prayed for me, even in the times before that i couldn't pray for myself. one of the biggest things i'm learning this semester is not to quench the Holy Spirit. to just be surrendered and let God do His thing through me. after all, i am just an instrument, a vessle of His grace that will hopefully, prayerfully, spread the Gospel to others with love and with words when necessary. i wanna live my life with my human Church sign pointing to Him consistently. may He help me stay faithful to this conviction and the many others that He has and is inspiring in me.

lately, there's this boy i can't get outta my brain. boo! boys are stupid. boys are dumb. unecessary distractions, poopheads, blehh w/e you wanna call 'em. yet here i am blogging about a stupid boy who's not that stupid. i can think of many flaws i see in him, in a semi-futile attempt to stop liking him, but there's something about this boy.. i used to like him, but then the more i got to know him, i felt like there was something a bit off about him..i sitll feel that way, but somehow, i still like him..he's easy to talk to, good at music, assertive, kind and a good patient friend..but he also lacks initiative, and i sometimes feel really stupid when i talk to him. his answers are pretty vague or evasive. he's kinda hard to get to really know, kinda hard to read. but he's honest. he's his own person. he's got originality. but where does he stand with his faith? how solid is he with his relationship in Christ? he doesn't really direct conversation, but he can give elaborate answers, but usually answers that dance around what i'm actually trying to get at. he's never the first to call/text. but at the same time, it's not awkward to sit in silence with him. he's got a lot of friends who are girls. is he the same way with them that he is with me? it's so easy to be myself around him though and speak my mind. he's gentle and slow to anger. he's got unique taste in music. we share similar perspective. but really different tastes in musical genres. he's not really attractive. or initially, he's not my type. so why the heck to i like him? it would seem that he's got a lot of friends and is well-liked and gets along with everyone, but doesn't have anyone he holds close. does he keep everyone at arms length? he did a soup kitchen with his mom. cheehee ;) he helps me cross the street. he says he'll be my friend any day, and warms hands when they're cold. he called me a good friend even when i still feel like i stepped on the toes of soul with my words. i dig his style. and he's got good hygiene. he's got an ex. and twitches and talks in his sleep. he doesn't know that i like him. and i hope it stays that way for now. God, as always, i wanna surrender this to You. although a select few know about this blog, i doubt anyone reads this. or at least anyone i know. if he were to ever read this though, i'd be really embarrassed. i have a short-term goal. i'm not gonna hang out with him this week, unless he takes initiative and call/texts first. yes, sadly, i'm pathetic. and i'm counting.

the funny and weird thing about the first semester of college, this season of adjustment, is the whole dating thing for me. it's an option i've eliminated for so long, that now that it's a potential possibility, i can't help but still shy away from the thought of it. day by day i'll live my life. not short-sighted. but one step at a time. every step in faith. for what does the Lord require? i just wanna be His servant. a servant who walks humbly with God. a servant who will not compromise God's plans and will for my life for my own selfish desires and motives. may my heart want what God wants. may He harden my heart towards the things that are bad for me, the things He doesn't want for me.

it's a tiresome battle against the self, especially when i try to fight this war against sin on my own. without Him and His grace, i'm dead meat. so God, i give this one to you. with an open palm, may this crush not become more of an idol than it already is. may i stay focused on what's in front of me.

okay. this is the end of the dumbest blog i've written.

The Promised Kiss of Springtime

Ella Fitzgerald is a remarkable singer with beautiful lyrics. In fact, the songs of time long ago had much deeper and meaningful lyrics put together in an elegant manner. What's wrong with the world? It's continuously deviating from the classyness it once held and the path that leads to Christ, and finding temporary fulfillment in shallow temporary things. "They have neither knowledge nor understanding, they walk about in darkness; all the foundations of the earth are shaken." -Psalm 82:5 All the foundations of the earth are certainly shaken. So surely it makes no sense to seek ultimate joy in this lifetime and find value and self-worth in materialistic and tangible things like the economy, relationships, fame, and worldy happiness.

I'm not happy at UIC. am i the only college kid who feels like this was a mistake? but even though i make countless mistakes, i know that God doesn't. i trust that He's got me here for a reason for His purposes. For however long I'm here, whether a semester, 2-3 years, whatever, i pray that i'll be obedient in making the most of my time here. to be stripped of this arrogant pride so that i may grow and be teachable and be a blessing and light to others on campus, especially those who have neither knowledge nor understanding of Christ or the Gospel. I pray these won't be empty words.

I may have missed my first sg meeting of servants, but i won't let that discourage me. with the circumstances placed in front of me, God, please help me to give You the glory, without selfish motives or intentions. let me be Yours and live the life You gave me for You.

Imposing Expectations

so i've decided to start blogging again. i have these moments, like today, when i just feel really lonely. like no matter what i say or how much i try to explain myself, no one understands me. admittedly it gets pretty frustrating. and why the heck do i even need to explain myself? i am who i am. people (maybe not lately) but in general tell me that i act differently when i'm with just them and then other people and its sometimes kinda annoying. do i? but then again, don't all people? i mean i get it. but then, they kinda act differently too when they're around other people, so why are they calling me out on it? most of the time i feel like they do it in a judging way, sometimes in love. i feel self-conscious now but then again, that's stupid. i am just am who i am. there's different sides of me. and i get annoyed when people think i just say whatever to get attention. i don't! stop assuming. stop judging! you're not always right. stop imposing expectations on what you're image is of me! or what your idea of who i am! it aggravates me. it makes me feel stupid. and uncomfortable around you. i hate it when people read me and assume that they're right. regardless of how well you know me or not, there's a chance you could be wrong. it's one thing to say something to sharpen a person because you love them, and it's another just to say it in a way that makes them feel put down. sometimes you make me feel left out. it's not even about all this "love-me" or "inner circle" stuff. i hate it when people impose those kinds of labels or use them as an excuse. it's one thing to misunderstand or not understand me at all, but don't assume you know my intentions. fine, if you can't accept me, whatever. if you think i'm annoying, whatever. but at least have the decency to not be a jerk. why bother being my friend? do you just do so to be polite? i wish people would sometimes be mindful of what they say. i'm not being insecure or over sensitive. i'm just saying, words have weight. i guess i do that too at times. but c'mon now. there's a limit and there's a method to how you go about telling someone something about themselves. people in my life, the world in general, i feel, somehow has a way of shutting me out sometimes. and at times, i guess i shut them out too.

sometimes people just don't understand eachother. are misunderstood. socially awkard. and sometimes people just get hurt, or hurt eachother because they aren't sensitive to the needs of others or are just being plain inconsiderate or not patient enough to deal with the relationship.

it makes me sad sometimes when friends drift apart. but it hurts more when you make an effort, and the other person just doesn't care. when people are just so absorbed in their own agendas, your guys's friendship isn't a priority anymore. i get it. it happens. it's life? mistakes are made. you learn from them. but it's sad that sometimes it costs a friendship to learn.

or you can't even call me yourself and ask me a question? or confront me? or care enough to confront me (in a loving way)? miscommunication sometimes leads to people being left out. good friendships, relationships in genearl, to work, need effective communication! humility, and patience! quality friends. friends who will say the constructive criticism to your face (lovingly) and good things behind your back to other people. a friend like that in Proverbs! no more useless gossip that justs puts people down. build one another up in Christ! Ephesians 4:29. Unity! Love!

i don't say these words to anyone in particular. well, maybe to a few people in particular. sometimes i feel like they're being arrogant, inconsiderate hippocrites. but then again, i am too at times perhaps. or maybe my period's coming and i'm in one of my moody pms phunks.

but then again, there's times when i just need to humbled. learn how to run to God first again. there's times when i need to learn how to accept rebuke with humility. obediently. take things for what they're worth. and realize and remember, it's not about me. and who cares what people think of me or the judgments or expectations they impose on me? i live my life for God. He's the only audience who matters. He knows my heart, motives, and intentions. Man only sees the outside, but God searches the heart. God, help me not to be discouraged or arrogant, but to be humbled by Your grace. Submit to Your plan. to know You are unstoppable. You care for me and love me just the way i am. in You i find refuge, strength, joy, and peace. rock of my salvation, source of strength and courage, redeemer. may my eyes not be fixed on myself or stay so introspective but stay fixed unto You.

an article by Nancy Leigh Demoss

Broken or Crushed?

Jesus once said something interesting. He described Himself as the “stone that the builders rejected.” Then He said, “Whoever falls on that stone will be broken; but on whomever it falls, it will grind him to powder.” What does that mean?
It tells me that everyone will experience brokenness. Some will experience brokenness in this life by humbly giving up their own desires and letting Christ live through them. Those are the people who “fall on the stone.”
Others will refuse. God may allow them to walk in pride for a while. But eventually, either in this life or the next, He’ll bring down everything that exalts itself against Him. That’s what Jesus meant by being ground into powder.
Have you fallen on the Stone, choosing to humbly submit your will to God’s? Or are you still approaching God in pride, in danger of being crushed?