i'm utterly disgusted by the person i am hidden at heart..disgusted. i'm thankful for this break in many ways for God has shown me my sin. He knows who and how i truly am behind the many layers i wear. selfish, prideful, envious, angry. Lord. please help me to cast down my idols.
even the things that are in front of me to pray for become hard to pray for because of the motives and intentions of my heart are not for God but for my own selfish desires. Lord, have all of me. purify this sinner's dirty heart and cleanse me of all these sins so that i may worship You freely without any chains. God. my heart aches for the day that i could worship you with a sinless heart, a heart that longs for heaven.
may the eyes of my spirit see only You, long for only You. let me no longer sit in sin but to repent, take heart, be obediently transformed by Your wonderful grace and mercy. Lord, i love You. Have Your way in me.
And we all, with unveiled face, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
--2 Corinthians 3:18
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Saturday, December 11, 2010
shipwrecked
it's days like these and times like this that i really just want to dorm or live in an apartment..away from the static of my parents' loud and articulate verbal influence. don't get me wrong. i love them dearly and i know they mean well, but it just gets tiring when they're so relentless and redundant. especially my mom. i shared with my small group that i wanted to stay faithful to the conviction of living at home to be a better servant to my family, but the way i am now, i'm just a slug. it needs to start with the little things. like being diligent with walking my dog so they don't have to. or giving my brother a shower. or just being home more. i need to stop being lazy and feeding my own selfish heart. but the bottom line is, i want to dorm! but in the end i know i'm being selfish. well i unno if its selfish or just my human nature to want to experience college (no not the sex, drinking, drugs, parties crap) but that whole 'community' experience and just being more independent. i wanna become closer with the new friends i've made and i wanna be able to wake up later instead of getting up 2 hours earlier cuz of commuting and always worrying about how i'm gonna get home. God has definitely provided with micah tho. so no complaints there. so is that a sign that He wants me to commute? or is He also showing me other things..so many other things to keep in mind.
and i guess to be honest with myself, it's the whole staying faithful to one home church issue. FABC is where i feel called to right now and this whole double duty thing never felt right with me to begin with no matter how many times i tried to justify it, i wasn't going to mass anymore for God, but rather to please my parents or out of just plain guilt. those aren't pure motives and it's a battle that i don't know if i'm suppose to keep fighting and enduring through, if i'm just being stubborn or what. i just don't know. but what i do know is that it can't keep going on.
now that i can drive and don't have to depend on people for rides anymore, it's been kinda hard to take initiative and just go. i never really told anyone this, but it's a mini-battle in my mind that always goes on. before events i think, 'i don't need to go or no one will notice if i don't come' but then there's that spiritual component of spiritual battle. i know that's how people start to fall away. .. gotta fight every moment to stay faithful
with a month of break ahead of me, i know it will be a fight for sure. i'm so lazy that there's days i go without praying. prayerlessness is definitely an issue in my heart. along with pride and other sins. i can't do it on my own. i wasn't made to do it on my own.
the process of prayer. the perspiration of prayer. how can i say i want something badly enough if i won't even get down on my knees and pray.
God. i am just a shipwreck here on your shore. i come undeserving and empty handed ready to be changed and transformed by your grace and mercy. thank you for loving a sinner with a dirty heart like me.
Lamentations 3:23
and i guess to be honest with myself, it's the whole staying faithful to one home church issue. FABC is where i feel called to right now and this whole double duty thing never felt right with me to begin with no matter how many times i tried to justify it, i wasn't going to mass anymore for God, but rather to please my parents or out of just plain guilt. those aren't pure motives and it's a battle that i don't know if i'm suppose to keep fighting and enduring through, if i'm just being stubborn or what. i just don't know. but what i do know is that it can't keep going on.
now that i can drive and don't have to depend on people for rides anymore, it's been kinda hard to take initiative and just go. i never really told anyone this, but it's a mini-battle in my mind that always goes on. before events i think, 'i don't need to go or no one will notice if i don't come' but then there's that spiritual component of spiritual battle. i know that's how people start to fall away. .. gotta fight every moment to stay faithful
with a month of break ahead of me, i know it will be a fight for sure. i'm so lazy that there's days i go without praying. prayerlessness is definitely an issue in my heart. along with pride and other sins. i can't do it on my own. i wasn't made to do it on my own.
the process of prayer. the perspiration of prayer. how can i say i want something badly enough if i won't even get down on my knees and pray.
God. i am just a shipwreck here on your shore. i come undeserving and empty handed ready to be changed and transformed by your grace and mercy. thank you for loving a sinner with a dirty heart like me.
Lamentations 3:23
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