Imposing Expectations

so i've decided to start blogging again. i have these moments, like today, when i just feel really lonely. like no matter what i say or how much i try to explain myself, no one understands me. admittedly it gets pretty frustrating. and why the heck do i even need to explain myself? i am who i am. people (maybe not lately) but in general tell me that i act differently when i'm with just them and then other people and its sometimes kinda annoying. do i? but then again, don't all people? i mean i get it. but then, they kinda act differently too when they're around other people, so why are they calling me out on it? most of the time i feel like they do it in a judging way, sometimes in love. i feel self-conscious now but then again, that's stupid. i am just am who i am. there's different sides of me. and i get annoyed when people think i just say whatever to get attention. i don't! stop assuming. stop judging! you're not always right. stop imposing expectations on what you're image is of me! or what your idea of who i am! it aggravates me. it makes me feel stupid. and uncomfortable around you. i hate it when people read me and assume that they're right. regardless of how well you know me or not, there's a chance you could be wrong. it's one thing to say something to sharpen a person because you love them, and it's another just to say it in a way that makes them feel put down. sometimes you make me feel left out. it's not even about all this "love-me" or "inner circle" stuff. i hate it when people impose those kinds of labels or use them as an excuse. it's one thing to misunderstand or not understand me at all, but don't assume you know my intentions. fine, if you can't accept me, whatever. if you think i'm annoying, whatever. but at least have the decency to not be a jerk. why bother being my friend? do you just do so to be polite? i wish people would sometimes be mindful of what they say. i'm not being insecure or over sensitive. i'm just saying, words have weight. i guess i do that too at times. but c'mon now. there's a limit and there's a method to how you go about telling someone something about themselves. people in my life, the world in general, i feel, somehow has a way of shutting me out sometimes. and at times, i guess i shut them out too.

sometimes people just don't understand eachother. are misunderstood. socially awkard. and sometimes people just get hurt, or hurt eachother because they aren't sensitive to the needs of others or are just being plain inconsiderate or not patient enough to deal with the relationship.

it makes me sad sometimes when friends drift apart. but it hurts more when you make an effort, and the other person just doesn't care. when people are just so absorbed in their own agendas, your guys's friendship isn't a priority anymore. i get it. it happens. it's life? mistakes are made. you learn from them. but it's sad that sometimes it costs a friendship to learn.

or you can't even call me yourself and ask me a question? or confront me? or care enough to confront me (in a loving way)? miscommunication sometimes leads to people being left out. good friendships, relationships in genearl, to work, need effective communication! humility, and patience! quality friends. friends who will say the constructive criticism to your face (lovingly) and good things behind your back to other people. a friend like that in Proverbs! no more useless gossip that justs puts people down. build one another up in Christ! Ephesians 4:29. Unity! Love!

i don't say these words to anyone in particular. well, maybe to a few people in particular. sometimes i feel like they're being arrogant, inconsiderate hippocrites. but then again, i am too at times perhaps. or maybe my period's coming and i'm in one of my moody pms phunks.

but then again, there's times when i just need to humbled. learn how to run to God first again. there's times when i need to learn how to accept rebuke with humility. obediently. take things for what they're worth. and realize and remember, it's not about me. and who cares what people think of me or the judgments or expectations they impose on me? i live my life for God. He's the only audience who matters. He knows my heart, motives, and intentions. Man only sees the outside, but God searches the heart. God, help me not to be discouraged or arrogant, but to be humbled by Your grace. Submit to Your plan. to know You are unstoppable. You care for me and love me just the way i am. in You i find refuge, strength, joy, and peace. rock of my salvation, source of strength and courage, redeemer. may my eyes not be fixed on myself or stay so introspective but stay fixed unto You.