about a boy

this is by far probably the dumbest blog i will every write, yet i'm gonna blog it nonetheless cuz my hand will cramp if i try to handwrite all the rambunctious thoughts running endlessly through my mind. it's the 10th week of the 1st semester at UIC. fresh outta CFC revival and Servants Fall Retreat. Two blessing events in a row. How blessed am i or what?! i'm incredibly thankful for all the people who've been investing in me up until now, and especially the people who've prayed for me, even in the times before that i couldn't pray for myself. one of the biggest things i'm learning this semester is not to quench the Holy Spirit. to just be surrendered and let God do His thing through me. after all, i am just an instrument, a vessle of His grace that will hopefully, prayerfully, spread the Gospel to others with love and with words when necessary. i wanna live my life with my human Church sign pointing to Him consistently. may He help me stay faithful to this conviction and the many others that He has and is inspiring in me.

lately, there's this boy i can't get outta my brain. boo! boys are stupid. boys are dumb. unecessary distractions, poopheads, blehh w/e you wanna call 'em. yet here i am blogging about a stupid boy who's not that stupid. i can think of many flaws i see in him, in a semi-futile attempt to stop liking him, but there's something about this boy.. i used to like him, but then the more i got to know him, i felt like there was something a bit off about him..i sitll feel that way, but somehow, i still like him..he's easy to talk to, good at music, assertive, kind and a good patient friend..but he also lacks initiative, and i sometimes feel really stupid when i talk to him. his answers are pretty vague or evasive. he's kinda hard to get to really know, kinda hard to read. but he's honest. he's his own person. he's got originality. but where does he stand with his faith? how solid is he with his relationship in Christ? he doesn't really direct conversation, but he can give elaborate answers, but usually answers that dance around what i'm actually trying to get at. he's never the first to call/text. but at the same time, it's not awkward to sit in silence with him. he's got a lot of friends who are girls. is he the same way with them that he is with me? it's so easy to be myself around him though and speak my mind. he's gentle and slow to anger. he's got unique taste in music. we share similar perspective. but really different tastes in musical genres. he's not really attractive. or initially, he's not my type. so why the heck to i like him? it would seem that he's got a lot of friends and is well-liked and gets along with everyone, but doesn't have anyone he holds close. does he keep everyone at arms length? he did a soup kitchen with his mom. cheehee ;) he helps me cross the street. he says he'll be my friend any day, and warms hands when they're cold. he called me a good friend even when i still feel like i stepped on the toes of soul with my words. i dig his style. and he's got good hygiene. he's got an ex. and twitches and talks in his sleep. he doesn't know that i like him. and i hope it stays that way for now. God, as always, i wanna surrender this to You. although a select few know about this blog, i doubt anyone reads this. or at least anyone i know. if he were to ever read this though, i'd be really embarrassed. i have a short-term goal. i'm not gonna hang out with him this week, unless he takes initiative and call/texts first. yes, sadly, i'm pathetic. and i'm counting.

the funny and weird thing about the first semester of college, this season of adjustment, is the whole dating thing for me. it's an option i've eliminated for so long, that now that it's a potential possibility, i can't help but still shy away from the thought of it. day by day i'll live my life. not short-sighted. but one step at a time. every step in faith. for what does the Lord require? i just wanna be His servant. a servant who walks humbly with God. a servant who will not compromise God's plans and will for my life for my own selfish desires and motives. may my heart want what God wants. may He harden my heart towards the things that are bad for me, the things He doesn't want for me.

it's a tiresome battle against the self, especially when i try to fight this war against sin on my own. without Him and His grace, i'm dead meat. so God, i give this one to you. with an open palm, may this crush not become more of an idol than it already is. may i stay focused on what's in front of me.

okay. this is the end of the dumbest blog i've written.